The Wonders of Kellyn

Todays prompt: (from Paulette)

Start 5 sentences with “I want…”
Start 5 sentences with “I need…”

• I want to lose another 10 pounds.
• I want to go on a trip.
• I want better hair.
• I want to write a story.
• I want the weather to be nice this weekend.

• I need to get my priorities straight.
• I need to make some progress on the career goals.
• I need to go brush my teeth.
• I need to finish a project for a client.
• I need attention.

Not exactly sure what purpose that served but I guess I can say I wrote “something” today. Is that a perk to writing? As long as you put down SOME combination of words, you’ve had a successful day? Guess it beats building database queries!

If you had asked 2 weeks ago what sorts of things I might be interested in writing, I would’ve told you:

• articles
• travel pieces
• narratives
• PR/marketing blurbs.

Never would I have said any sort of fiction. Yet in talking with a friend (an aspiring writer herself) yesterday about something from my past, we actually put together an interesting idea for a story. Ideas bounced around in my head on the drive home and by the time I hit the house, I had to start scribbling notes. Key plot points, some questions, character names, possible perspectives/voice.

Dialogue scares me though. More than anything else, the idea of writing dialogue just freaks me right out. My friend offered to help write it, partly to get me through some of the emotional hell of delving into such a dark place from my past. I’ll have to see how she feels about dialogue.
Me, write a fiction story? It would be based very loosely on fact but I think a lot of fiction starts that way – an experience or event spurs the author off in all these other directions. And maybe it’s not SO far off for me to consider it – growing up, creative stories were of great interest to me. I think for some reason now, as an adult, they seem less responsible somehow.

I feel like my life is becoming a mess of twists and turns right now. The closer I get to figuring out what I think I want or who I am, the more I end up off in another direction entirely.

As I mentioned in my profile, Kellyn isn’t my real name. I chose it because it’s a Celtic/Gaelic name and because it means “powerful”. Since this whole process is about taking control of my life and making my own decisions, powerful seemed appropriate to me. I want to be powerful – not necessarily in the world as a whole but at least in my own life.

When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life.

– Geoffrey F. Abert

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

– Marianne Williamson

The thing you fear most has no power. Your fear of it is what has the power. Facing the truth really will set you free.

- Oprah Winfrey

Not that I’m posting anything earth-shattering.  Not that anything I’ve written (or possibly WILL write) will be literary genius.  Not that I’m sharing juicy secrets.

But it’s very liberating to have a place to work through some of the clutter in my head somewhere with a little anonymity.  I’ve got another blog, as part of a domain, and it’s very closely tied to my identity.  It wouldn’t take much to pull up my full name, phone number, mailing address, etc.  And while I don’t kid myself to think I’m completely invisible in THIS blog, it’s still great to have a more covert space to ramble.

Who am I?
What am I doing here?
Where am I going and why do I bother?

So many questions, I wish I had just one answer.

Maybe later.
Maybe when I’m more awake.
Maybe once the voices in my head shut up and let me think in peace.

You tried to answer those questions for me and for a long time I let you. If only I had known better, maybe I’d have more answers now.

But I’m learning.
And I’m growing.
And finally, for the first time, I feel like I’m awakening.

There just may be hope for me yet. In spite of you, in spite of the voices, in spite of the world around me.

It’s not too late.
There’s still time.
My story’s not done yet.

And now that I’ve made up my mind, you won’t stop me. As long as I don’t stop myself. Finally, I understand.

I saw another position today that looks interesting to me. Basically, another web content producer position. And yet another position I’m not QUITE qualified for. It’s all coming down to AP style and copy editing experience. Looks like I’m on the right track with some of the books and courses I’ve identified. Now to move on to the next step – implementation.

Rather than just jumping right into the thick of things, it feels more organic to start with some sort of introduction or history entry.

College seems like a good place to start – I enrolled as a Communications major, not really knowing what that meant or what I planned to do with it. Turns out Communications was one of the jock-majors at the University – a major that allows athletes to maintain their required GPAs while missing/skipping classes and not putting in a whole lot of academic effort. While the subject matter was interesting and some of the professors were great, I felt lead to change majors.

It was the late ’90s and with y2k looming large, Computer Science seemed like a bright idea. My then-fiance was a CIS major, I had been interested in computers growing up, everyone pushed me in that direction and it seemed like a natural fit. I did stick with the Communications minor.

Now, 6 years after graduation, I realize this isn’t the career for me. I’ve been in a position as a webmaster for the past 5 years and I enjoy certain aspects – design, functionality, defining content – but I detest coding. With recent changes in standards to focus on CSS-based design layout, my job has become much more code-intensive. And that doesn’t even include coding for dynamic features. Add to that some of the political considerations of my current position, I’m burnt out.

So where to go from here? My husband is currently going back to school for his MBA and I’m taking advantage of his career-related tools. Aptitude tests, suggested readings, mental exercises… Whatever I can get my hands on to figure out where I’m going and what I’m doing.

Surprise – it seems writing might be a good direction for me. As a child, I wrote short stories, poems, articles. I always did well on my writing assignments, regardless of the class or subject. I’m also very interested in public relations, advertising and marketing.

I have to believe something is going to break for me soon. The plan is to explore for awhile. This blog will play a big part in that – it’s a place to keep track of my thoughts and progress, practice some skills, and maybe eventually get some feedback. Even if I don’t pursue writing as a career, I feel at this point that it’s something I may keep at as a hobby. We’ll see where it leads.